Pater et Filius
by ano9748
Summary: A young wizard struggling to find himself...A bitter man consumed by loss, hurt and betrayal... A world slipping to the darkness of evil
1. Part 1 Ch 1 Sincerely, Damian S Snape

**Okay people! new fic that will be going very slow in updating (even more than my two other fics, but that had been layng in the back of my mind for a while. I'm not an avid Snape/ Harry fatherfic fan but i wanted to try something new.**

**this will not be a bashing fic (I HATE THEM), that is to say, while i intend to make my characters flawed, while good, and some considerablt darker and possibly evil, i will not suddenly make any of the following people evil psycopathic maniacs ploting for money and power(thats just voldemort people;...and arguably some of his most extreme DE): Molly, Ginny, Dumbledore, Ron ,Hermione,Sirius, Remus,Snape...**

**that said, i hope you enjoy!**

**plz r&r**

**luv,**

**ano**

* * *

** Pater et Filius**

**Part 1: Hogwarts school year of 1995-1996**

_Dear Sir,_

_I find myself, once again, at a quandary. Yet again have I taken up my quill, dipped it into the inkwell and directed its tip towards the parchment, only to find my hand stilled over the disconcertingly blank page. Should I consider it futile, after all this time, to hope I could possibly manage not only to complete this missive but also to send it? Will my courage not fail me as it has done countless times before?_

_You have no idea, of course, to what I am referring, and are probably already thoroughly disgusted by what you have probably judged as the 'dunderheaded rambling' you have started reading._

_I suppose, for you to understand, I would have to bring you back to my relatively early childhood, back in the days when your name was not one I would have recognized, and in which the prospect of Hogwarts was a very distant one. I had, as many children(and very many young boys) many questions about many things, and being an extremely curious if somewhat shy specimen then, it was inevitable I should come across proof that the name I had come to associate with that of my father was not in fact the correct one. There is a lot a seven year old boy will not understand while deciphering the abandoned journal of his mother, but that piece of information was clear enough; it was written quite clearly in as many words. __I now had a different identity, and the name I had grown to hate for so many reasons, was not truly my own._

_You must understand that my initial discovery, from the perspective of a relatively unhappy boy, could not fail to provoke in me the most preposterous of hopeful fantasies in which my representation of you, so detached from reality, could not but disintegrate completely in the wake of your presentation to me at Hogwarts later on. _

_It should not surprise you, and indeed, I do not think it will, that I, as all the other first years(including your own snakes despite whatever they protest) was completely terrified of you during the entire course of my first year, and a good part of my second.I do not know if that fear would have been augmented or lessened had I not been, during that lengthy period of time, attemping to reconcile you with the admittedly improbable picture of fatherly perfection I had envisioned you as. _

_Foolishly naïve of me I am sure you would agree._

_But you see, before stepping into the Great Hall, you were completely beyond reach, an imaginary entity that I knew was out there, but which I could have no possible hope of ever coming across. It was only when I recognised your name among the Hogwarts' teaching staff my House prefect detailed(on whom I nearly spat out all my potato mash) that you became someone tangible. And inevitably in becoming real you fell very short of the mold I had fitted for you. You were cruel; overly so, as well as unfair and biased towards students that seemed to derive pleasure in making me miserable. More than that you were demanding and exacting, enough so to make me fear that I could never reach your standards. Childish hate is little more than fear and ignorance, in my case, it was both of these in addition to disappointed hopes. This added to my petty stubbornness, prevented me from ever revealing our relation to you._

_Time passed, and my understanding grew, perhaps more so than many of the students here who do not learn to look past your mask. More frequent became the times, in Potions' class, where I would catch myself studying you, puzzling on what would have change had you known. But as things kept going, by the time I actually wished to approach you, it was too late. The monster you and others name the Dark Lord had returned. And though I had since already come to the uncertain conclusion, (which I feel completely certain of now) that it was the Headmaster and not he to whom you were truly loyal, I knew it was not the time for you to have a son. What cost for you would it be, to succumb to the fate that all fathers who bear the mark share; that of watching their sons pay for their mistakes? I have watched your hidden concern for Draco Malfoy closely enough to know that I could not add to that suffering._

_Then why, you may ask, tell you at all? Why tell you now, when my tongue has held silent so long? The truth is I could bear it no longer. That my mothers' actions, though taken for the protection of all three of us, should have caused this separation is cruel enough, I did not feel I could continue to deprive us of more. Complications reduce us to secrecy and deception, but even if I must do so from the shadow, I would not go any further without letting you know of my existence._

_I know you have no reason to believe me. I know you enough, however little I have managed to truly come to know you, to know you are not a man that appreciates being trifled with, and I anticipate your cold reception to my letter, but I will make no apologies for who I am. Perhaps it is selfish of me, to force this upon you now, when you were no doubt content with ignorance. And yet sir, truly, I have never imagined you to be content with ignorance. We have had many differences during my time at Hogwarts, and I am sure we will continue to do so, but something I have always valued in you, even before I was able to see your worth in other matters, was your ability to call the truth like it is, however harsh._

_It is getting late sir, and I must wake early if I wish manage to get this to you along with the morning post. There is much more to be said, and none of it short enough to be held with short parting words. Let me just conclude then, Father, that even has it not always been the case, there are not many greater honours for me than that of being your son._

_Sincerest regards,_

_Damian Severus Snape_


	2. P1 Ch 2 Denial

_ 5__th__ year, 1995_

_Dear sir,_

_I had anticipated the coolness of your reaction to my letter, but despite the undeniable logic of my mind; I found, when the time came, that I had let disappointment riddle my heart. I had witnessed enough, from my limited view as your student, to predict your skepticism and the resulting animosity you would quite rightly come to feel for the instigator of such a farce. Indeed, the sparks of your ire have too often graced my potions' classes for me to expect anything else than blatant hostility, fury and retaliation._

_I did not expect the realisation, that while I had prepared myself for anger, I was woefully unready for silence-I can sense your disgust from here._

_I made myself believe, out of desperation, or sheer stupidity, or even possibly arrogance that you could not fail to acknowledge me-that my owl had been led astray, and that my letter had not been read. But then I saw your faraway look, after the delivery of the post on Saturday morning. Your mask was as expressionless and indiscernible as ever, and you left too hurriedly for anyone to perceive anything peculiar, but I was expecting it. I was expecting it because I had gone through the same. _

_You were lost, just as I had been. It was a strange thing to perceive in relation to you. _

_You are always so sure. So strong. This made you normal. You had never been normal. Whether as a dream in my childhood or a harsh reality in my schooldays, you had always been anything but normal._

_In a way I prefer you like this. It brings you closer to me, makes you more accessible._

_I could hardly hold my imagination responsible for the observations I made in the following days. You were more impatient than usual, more on edge. I caught the surruptious glares made in direction of the Weasley twins, the suspicious glances made along all four tables and even towards some of the staff._

_What were you feeling now, father? Rage? Disbelief? I regretted it but it did no surprise me. After all if I had had to face my denial, why should you not have to face yours?_

_The idiotic, petty stubbornness of a child, influenced by others' opinions as well as my own fear and ignorance, lead to childish hate and scorn. All that confronted with the reality of a father I did not want. Such was the denial of my initial months if not years at Hogwarts. _

_I was so angry then. At you, at my mother, at the world. I suppose it would be fair to say that I am still angry, though the direction of a considerable amount of it is towards myself now. How much have I wasted, in my pride and my fear; my denial? How much more will we lose in yours?_

_It will not go away sir, whether or not you acknowledge me; your blood runs through my veins, marking me as yours; claiming you as mine. As my father._

_Sinserest regards,_

_Damian Severus Snape_


	3. P1 Ch 3 Warning

_ 5__th__ year, 1995_

_To whom this may concern,_

_The impressions and conclusions reached by myself upon receiving your first letter left me with absolutely no inclination whatsoever of replying to it. This resolve, to my chagrin, was forcefully abandoned by your misguided repetition of endeavours towards my person. It became clear, however little appeal I perceived in the task, that some form of reply must be made, if for nothing else than to deter to continuation of such idiocy on your behalf. I am, as you justly noted, but clearly did not heed , not someone to be trifled with. As such , let it be clear that I am not prone to amusement in the face of a dimwitted adolescent's idea of a prank; no doubt in some petty revenge for a more than justified detention or a failed Potions' assignment._

_The other possibility, of your primary goal being, rather than triumph at my humiliation; that of securing some sort of advantage from this hare-brained scheme, it merely changes the nature of your stupidity. If stealing an inheritance or undeservedly benefitting from a reputation was indeed your intent, you have targeted the wrong individual. One must do better if they wish to dupe the Head of Slytherin House, which you hardly need tell me you do not belong to, as none of my students would have been asinine enough to attempt what you just have._

_Let it be clear that neither of the two presupposed advantages would be worth the effort you would need to garner to deceive me into granting you them. _

_I am not, nor do I suppose will I ever be a father, and have no intention nor predisposal towards the catering of the fantasies of a witless adolescent and his mother. Your self-pitying portrayal of my character by you would seem to support this; further begging the question of why you would take on such a farce of assuming affiliation to someone who, by your own admittance, threatens your over fragile sensibilities._

_You would do well to accept this warning in the light it was meant, and refrain from replying. Rest assured that should you not; you and any accomplices in this venture will regret it. _

_Sincerely,_

_S. Snape, Potions' Master_

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_


	4. P1 Ch 4 Defense

_Dear Sir,_

_I know better, in addressing you, than to expect you will excuse such a blatant disregard of your direct instructions in doing so, but I have, perhaps naively, hoped you would put that matter aside for the time being; or just long enough to read what I have to say. No doubt you feel insulted to have your threats so apparently ignored, with the implication such an insult poses, of your being anything but a man of your word. For this, I apologize; it was not my intention, though the lesser of two evils considering my options. It was clear enough, through the multiple charges laid to my person -all of which have no doubt, I attend to address-that you are convinced of my guilt and disbelieving of any possible justification. To obey you would have been to concede. Perhaps you will find me all the more foolish in my persistence, but it seemed to me that in this instance, silence would have been the worst defense, leaving me now to address each issue you raised._

_You first accused, as you remember I had foreseen you might, this scheme as being a misguided effort to create some fun at your expense, with the added motive of revenge. While a convincing scenario on the surface it could hardly hold to scrutiny. Your mind going straight to the Weasley twins, for example, holds little argument to those that have had any experience (as I, like so many others, have) with their brand of humour. Frankly sir, this is not their style._

_ Fred and George Weasley, undoubtedly the first –though not the only- ones that spring to mind when searching for mischief-makers, tend to base their pranks more on the loud and explosive, something I believe stems from their taste for spectacle, though I suppose you would tie it to Gryffindor brashness and incapability for the slightest hint of subtlety. Whichever the case, it bars them from consideration. I also personally believe that they are too smart __to attempt such a thing, though I can well imagine your skepticism at that remark. But really sir,_ I think you would be hard-pressed to find anyone in this school that would be, as you put it, "asinine enough" to go through with a joke of this caliber with you as the intended target. I might go so as far to say, however arrogant it may come out as, that I don't believe any of those stupid enough to actually do so would subsequently have had enough brains to avoid immediate detection by you. 

_Disregarding a joke then, and still excluding the possibility of my sincerity in this matter, you question, much graver accusation than that of an adolescent prank, the integrity of my character, painting me at best as a lunatic indulging in ridiculous fantasies, and at worst, an inheritance thief and a profiteer._

_ The question of my sanity, I cannot judge for myself, the matter having already arisen with my friends several times, though for different reasons. My character however,as flawed as you paint it now, or even as you have found it as my teacher, I can vouch for at least this far. Indeed even could I not, I would hardly need to resort to such deceit. My first godfather, whose name I carry publicly, and who, as such, the world recognizes as my sire, made me the sole beneficiary to his will. As such, barring any extravagance on my part I should have considerable enough means well into the years following my Hogwarts' education, and have little need for money. Your reputation,you hardly have reason to fear for either, as, however glowing, the main domain of its establishment being in Potions, it could hardly conceal my barely adequate talent in the science._

_Your continued disbelief in these points, even after all this, I find most probable. That you wish them to be false is only slightly less certain. You have emphasized clearly enough your indifference in being a parent, such a feeling being entirely within your rights, and not my place to judge or even comment on. But do not then do me the same injustice sir, in presuming to know and understand mine. My sensibilities, however fragile they might appear, are fine, and more than equal to the task of my approaching you. _

_That I have sometime surrendered to mass opinion and prejudices in the past on your account is true, I have admitted as much, but does not signify my world is quite so black and white now. __I have already explained my first impressions of you and the consequences they had on my revealing our affiliation, but I did not do so in a misplaced hope for pity or regret on your part but in an explanation of my previous silence._

_You wonder at my wanting to associate with a man I seem do despise, and have no apparent respect for. The first I do not, the second I most assuredly do, though I admit it was not always so. __That you have the capacity of being cruel, and unnecessarily hard upon your students is debatable, but no one can deny you hold yourself as strongly, if not more, to the stern standards you fix. Your blatant favoritism of your House, as well, is a constant source of ire, until one considers that you could hardly do otherwise, considering the mask you must uphold, and the whose parents' you must answer to. You would reiterate then, with a sneer as clear as day in my mind's eye that naivety and sentimentality cause me to accord you too much. That you are everything you let yourself perceived as being and nothing more. And really, much of what you display is truly there.__Your coldness and bitterness are hardly an act, I am not wishful enough to whisk them away._

_ But there is more to you than that, which to disregard would be doing you and the world a disservice._

_I have witnessed too much of what you have done for this school, for its students, and for the Headmaster, __to the detriment of your own freedom,_ however far in the shadows you hide,, not to be convinced of what kind of man you are. 

_ I have little more to advance now, and so must conclude with my last argument, the only one, in truth, that I suspect will have any weight whatsoever with you. __Folded into this letter, magically held in place until released by yourself,you will find five strands of my hair, all varying in length. You are too talented a Potions' Master not to know in accordance to what I provide them._

_Sincerest regards,_

_Damian S. Snape_


	5. P1 Ch 5 Partial Concession

_Mr. Snape,_

_Wary as am still to address you as such, I have no other name to address you by, and it would seem that the claim you have made to borrow mine must do for now. Do not, however, consider this too soon as a surrender on my behalf to whatever scheming this may yet be revealed as. I have warned you once already that it is no mean thing to dupe me; and however little you seem to have heeded my words before now; I hope your meager senses will remember that at least. _

_As you will no doubt have anticipated, the five strands of hair supplied in your last letter have-despite being charmed against any type of identification spells or brews - revealed themselves as originating from a young male of magical heritage, carrying a fifty-three percent compatibility with the coding of my DNA . That they confirm your story thus far, I will allow, but as a cautious man, I have always found that searching for all explanations behind a situation is best. _

_Indeed, though I am not prone to ignoring the obvious, and knowing better than most that disregarding the results of a Paternae Potion would be utter lunacy, however little pleasure I might find in the information they impart - I also know that even the most powerful Magics can sometimes be deceived; and that one more proof is not one too many._

_Beyond the validation of your claims, I have other concerns however. Acknowledging, if not the fact, then at least the possibility of your being my progeny and not simply a usurper or vengeful student, will, I suppose, do credit to your sincerity, but little beyond that, and certainly nothing to change my desires. I have never wanted a son._

_Were I a different man, perhaps my answer would change; but as it is, I can not see anything positive coming out of either of us acknowledging such a tie between us. I would not know how to a be a parent, my family history leaving me with little impression of fathers; and I find I have more than enough dealings with the youth of wizarding Britain as a whole for me to wish for any closer relationship with one of its particulars. Especially, I might add, with someone who admits to having earned little of my regard on his own merit. Reaching further than my own desires, I can not help from questioning your own._

_You mentioned previously, in defending yourself against my accusations, that your intentions were not those of claiming an inheritance as you had already been made heir of the man whom the world recognizes as your father. His having accepted the role of your godfather, a commitment which no wizard can take lightly, speaks volumes of his loyalty to both your mother and by extension yourself_

_. _

_Despite the knowledge of your origins, the knowledge he could not be ignorant of, that you were not his by blood; all evidence points to his care for you. In naming you as his heir, tying you down to his heritage, he has done more than proclaim a relationship with you publically; he has personally and magically recognized you as his, just as the world has. _

_Why should you change that? Why should you desire to? Why should you search then for a replacement of such a man in someone who still has not acknowledged you? Who you have admitted has no particular care for you in the least?_

_Surely such obvious friendship to both you and your mother, that has given you so much already would be the more obvious source parental figure than what I suspect can only have been the brief indulgence of two relative strangers to their more primal needs. _

_I would have you consider that much, at least if you are still determined to pursue in this inane business._

_Sincerely,_

_S. Snape, Potions' Master_

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_


End file.
